Yesterday D decided to walk to Walmart some 5 miles from our home in the snow. I had told him the night before that driving would be a poor choice as schools were closed and many businesses due to the white out conditions and ice on the roads and walking paths. Despite my best efforts to change his mind or tell him defying me would have consequences he walked in his snow suit with his whellies and a pair of summer socks, shorts and short sleeve shirt. He had no hat, or gloves. After arriving at his destination he realized something was running down his legs but didn't bother to look. He finished his shopping and returned home. While removing his snow suit he realized his legs were bleeding in a circular pattern around his calves. He informed me in a matter of fact kind of way after removing his boots. I bandaged his wounds and suggested he not walk in his whellies for a while. So later that evening he snuck out of the house again when I was busy cooking dinner. Easy for him to do. He is "20" after all. I go after him this time and find him almost home from a walk to Whole Foods. This time he is wearing crocks with socks in the snow. Thankfully he doesn't seem to have frostbite, though how I can't imagine.

He's to big for me to physically stop! I try to reason with him. He just can't change his mind sometimes and thinks nothing of his quirky behavior. I reason with him as I would any client that I work with in my practice as an R.N., but he sees me as a ridiculous over protective Mother. Nothing I say seems to phase him and he continues to take risks. And the state wonders why their mortality rate is 20% in comparison to the general population.

If this isn't frightening enough for a Mother, one of our Yale family has lost their child to a freak traffic accident this past week. He was the same age as my D and someone who had a rough go in life. I ache for his Mother. I wake most mornings remembering that she wakes with the thought he is nolonger with her. I wonder if I will know her pain some day? It is not such a far stretch when things like what happened yesterday are regular occurences with my D.

I guess for now I will resign myself to rejoice in every day I have with D. I won't dwell... but plan for next time and the intervention I will try...and hope the consequences I put in place this time had some impact in the prevention of next time. Always "do what you say" as it is imperative to being effective in your parenting. It is one lesson I learned early on. Words mean a great deal to our kids. In many situations, they feel it is the law. I pray we all find the path of understanding...

Not such a good day...

D is really worked up about things right now. Never mind I started renovating his bedroom this past weekend, or that school is coming to an end, and... he's on a mission to find work.

I've been preparing D for the move to his little brother's bedroom for a few weeks as we are repairing the holes in his walls and enlarging his bedroom a few feet and adding an additional closet. Giving him a space befitting a nineteen year old. In order to accomplish this, we had to pack up every toy, sock, cardboard box and trash collectible in D's possession and store it. D's not happy. Saying that... is putting it mildly.

This morning for example; instead of o.k. Mom; I got instead a "fuck you Mom", when requesting he put his dishes in the dishwasher. He then stomped out of the room. His middle brother looks on and says to me, "you would never let me get away with that Mom." It's true I wouldn't. What parent in the right mind would tolerate that kind of behavior. Is it enabling to accept it?

I found myself explaining to D2 that his brother was under a great deal of anxiety over the idea of working and was now confronted with no place to hide, as his room was stripped to the bare walls.

I also reminded him of a conversation we had just a few years before when I told him he would someday surpass his older brother.  "Do you remember that D2?"

He did remember and is beginning to comprehend the monumentous undertaking that will have to take place for his older brother to accomplish having a job, living on his own or driving a car. D2 will take driver's education in the fall. I also reminded D2 that he would have to drive his big brother around.

Thankfully, I was blessed with a very compassionate and well educated middle son who truly gets it and sometimes even better than his Father or I do.

So what is the answer? I think setting rules for behavior and following through. As this is a new behavior for him I will have to decide how I will treat it. His Dad and I have some ideas but I'll let you know. I also think it's important not to wait, but when he's this mad...waiting is the only option. Not waiting would only escalate the inappropriate behavior.

His Dad said that after he stomped out of the room he called his Father and said I was acting crazy and yelling at him. His Dad called me and got the story and then got him on the phone and told him, "D, you can think it, but you can't say it." O.k., but that isn't solving the problem? I agree that yes we have to teach our kids that saying and thinking things are different and may help to de-escalate their feelings but we still haven't addressed the infraction.

I'll let you know what transpires in our talks tonight.